Earthquake!
by Red Witch
Summary: Another item is checked on Archer's bucket list when the gang survives their first earthquake in LA.
**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been destroyed in an earthquake! So I wondered what would happen if one did happen to our band of merry miscreants if an earthquake happened! I got this!**

 **Earthquake! **

It was another crackerjack morning at the Figgis Agency. Where everyone who worked there was busy and…

"Zzzzzz…" Cheryl snored while laying her head on the table in the break room. "No, Mr. Ostrich. I don't want sushi."

"Zzz…." Pam snored while lying back in her chair.

"Oh Burt…" Mallory moaned while she slept on the couch. "No, George can watch. I don't mind…"

Oh who am I kidding?

When suddenly…

RRRRRUMMMBLE….

"Oh Burt…" Mallory purred as the ground started to shake. "You really can rev up my…Hang on…"

"What the…?" Pam gasped as she and Cheryl woke up. Everything was shaking.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Mallory woke up when she moved and fell off the couch. "Damn it…"

"What the Shake-Snacks is going on?" Pam stirred.

"IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!" Cheryl screamed. "EARTHQUAKE!"

Just like that the shaking stopped. "EARTHQUAKE!" Cheryl screamed, clearly not stopping. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"God! **Another reason** I hate California!" Mallory groaned as she sat up. "If I wanted to wake up to the floor shaking for no reason I'd ask Pam to jump up and down!"

"Wow that was fun!" Krieger said as he and the rest of the agency walked into the break room.

"You have a very weird definition of fun," Ray gave him a look.

"Is everyone okay?" Cyril asked.

"EARTHQUAKE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Cheryl screamed as she jumped up and ran out of the room. "THE SAN ANDREAS FAULT IS OUT TO GET US! JUST LIKE THE GYPSY WOMAN SAID! AAAAAAHHH!"

"Let me rephrase that," Cyril groaned. "Is everyone **physically** okay?"

"Yeah we're fine," Lana said. "No real damage as far as I can see."

"My ass is sore from falling off the couch but I'll live," Mallory got up.

"So basically it's like a normal weekend for you," Pam quipped.

"You know…?" Mallory glared at her.

"What the hell was **that**?" Ray barked.

"I think it was a 3.2," Krieger remarked.

"A what?" Ray looked at him.

"A 3.2 on the Richter Scale," Krieger said causally. "You know how they measure earthquakes."

"Wait we had an **earthquake**?" Archer was stunned.

"No Sterling," Mallory glared at her son. "The building just decided to voluntarily shake for no reason at all!"

"That was an earthquake?" Archer blinked.

"Yes Sterling!" Mallory barked. "An **earthquake**! God I swear your IQ has lowered since we got to California! Not that it was at a high level in the first place!"

"Huh. I was expecting it to be a bit bigger," Archer frowned.

"Let me guess," Ray sighed. "Surviving an earthquake is on your bucket list."

"Technically it's surviving an earthquake in LA," Archer corrected. "Which yeah. I guess it counts. So I can cross it off. I was just hoping it would be a little bigger."

"That's what she said!" Pam spoke up.

"Phrasing!" Ray added.

"Hey-O!" Cyril added.

"I just walked right into that one didn't I?" Archer groaned.

"More like strolled…" Ray smirked.

"Well it was just so disappointing," Archer began.

"That's what she said!" Ray quipped.

"Phrasing!" Pam added.

"I meant the earthquake!" Archer barked.

"What? You thought it would be like you as Charlton Heston as the Mulholland Dam breaks and the entire city crumbles to the ground in flames?" Lana asked.

"Pretty much," Archer shrugged. "Only I wouldn't drown but yeah…"

"And you think my fantasies are weird," Ray groaned.

"I admit I have a weird bucket list," Archer gave him a look. "And if you mention the banging Joe Frasier thing I will…" He dropped off.

"Don't have to," Ray gave him a look. "You already did."

"Damn it!" Archer swore.

"Banging Joe Frasier is on your bucket list?" Cyril did a double take.

"Me too!" Pam said cheerfully.

"Isn't that something a mother wants to hear?" Mallory groaned. "Wait does sleeping with Joe Louis count?"

"I think sleeping with any famous black boxer counts," Ray told her.

"Then I've already done that," Mallory waved. "That's checked off my bucket list. Wait a minute…"

"Suddenly my list of having sex in elevators all over the world seems pretty tame," Cyril snorted.

"No, it's not," Archer glared. "And technically yeah…I've done that too."

"Same here," Mallory admitted.

"Ditto," Ray shrugged.

"Yup," Krieger nodded.

"Does outer space count as all over the world?" Pam asked.

"You people…" Lana groaned.

"What are you judging **us** for?" Archer gave her a look. "Remember that assassination we were supposed to do years ago in Paris?"

"Damnit!" Lana realized. "That's right!"

"Yeah we went at it so hot and heavy the target got away," Archer reminded her.

"I remember that!" Mallory grumbled. "Damn hotel sent me a cleaning bill!"

"And that hotel in London?" Archer prompted.

"And in the airport elevator in Heathrow after the Excelsior mission," Lana groaned.

"Right and…" Archer did a double take. "That wasn't me!"

"No, it wasn't," Cyril smirked at the memory.

"Damn it Cyril!" Archer glared at him.

"Ha ha!" Cyril grinned at him.

"Yeah laugh it up," Archer said. "Must have been real romantic with you wearing Mother's pink bathrobe!"

"What?" Mallory did a double take.

"Actually it was a bit of a turn on for Lana," Cyril pointed out.

"WHAT?" Archer did a double take.

"Uh…" Lana shifted her eyes nervously.

"Now who's disgusting?" Mallory gave Lana a look.

"Still all of you by **a mile**!" Lana snapped.

"I dunno, Lana," Cyril smirked. "That thing you had me do in that elevator was pretty…"

"SHUT UP CYRIL!" Lana barked.

"Yeah shut up!" Archer agreed.

"You shut up! I wanna hear this!" Pam protested.

"AAAHHHHHHHH!" Cheryl was heard screaming.

" **That** I don't," Pam groaned.

"AAAAHH! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! APOCALYPSE NOW!" Cheryl ran by the room completely naked.

"Ugh…" Mallory groaned. "Not again."

SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!

"She's smashing…CHERYL!" Cyril shouted as he stomped to see the damage. "GOD DAMN IT CHERYL! YOU BREAK IT YOU BUY IT!"

"Gotta love irony," Archer remarked as the others went to the door to watch a naked Cheryl trash the place. "The earthquake barely left a scratch while Hurricane Carol…"

SMASH!

"We really should do something about her," Pam remarked.

"Cheryl calm down!" Lana barked. "And put your clothes back on!"

"Well **that** part I don't mind as much as the mess she's making," Cyril admitted.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Cheryl screamed as she ran off.

SLAM!

"And now she's run out the front door," Cyril sighed. "Again…"

"I'll get her!" Pam went after her as she took off her shirt.

"Pam why are you taking off your clothes?" Ray barked.

"So Cheryl won't feel so self-conscious!" Pam said as she stripped down to her underwear. "Wait for me Cheryl!" She ran after her.

"Another day, another public nudity charge," Cyril groaned as he went off. "I'd better get the checkbook ready again."

"Surviving an earthquake is nothing compared to surviving you idiots," Mallory grumbled.


End file.
